When did we start measuring ourselves? Sizing up our worth?
Is it a curse of the human condition?
Some humans can live content, settled into a comfortable rhythm with confidence to spare. While others stare into their worth like it’s some sort of abyss. I am the second, obviously.
I don’t know about you, but I am so tired of measuring my worth. It is exhausting. Tired enough we should bring back preschool nap time, but for adults.
Maybe there is some sort of trap door I can’t seem to find the key to, but trying to quiet my quest for worth and my evaluating mind is a constant struggle.
I’ve not written or been on social media much these past few years. So much of what is out there feels like noise or hustling for attention. I feel so selfish every time I try to type. Type a few words, delete them all, shut computer. Repeat.
People have their own lives and problems. What does writing mine have to do with anything?
And to top that off I now have a business I represent and a community of clients when they read these things might have expectations. It was different when I could just write to write and I thought no one was reading it. And if someone looked at me a little too long in the supermarket I could pretend that it was because they were wondering why I had on yoga pants but didn’t look like I worked out at all. On second thought, that is probably was what they were thinking.
When I started I thought how great it would be if one person read it and felt better. Now I can’t seem to get myself to type for fear of what people will think. Writing was my therapy and then it was gone because there was an audience. The irony of it is laughable.
Plus in my writing people knew over the years I have pushed myself to be kind, forgiving, thoughtful, self-sacrificing all the while hoping it would lead to my salvation – self worth. They knew I have lost forty pounds, not once, but twice, all the while hoping it would lead me to my salvation – self worth. They knew I became a person who lived out loud, going from not telling anyone I see dead people to telling the world I can see, hear, and communicate with spirit. I mean I literally went leaving profession blank on school forms to writing I see dead people as my profession. I went from changing the conversation when people asked what I did for a living to whispering, “I see dead people” when they ask today. I thought that might lead to my salvation, secret is out, self worth complete. Nope. Did not happen.
I have tried listing labels in order to define who I am so I could grasp worth.
Mom, Wife, Sister, Cousin, Daughter, Granddaughter, Friend, Homeowner, Author, Taxpayer, Niece, Business owner, etc.
While all of those these are great, labels do not a person make.
So I listed qualities:
Shy, introverted, cautious, determined, generous (but don’t take my fries generous), kind (I hold doors open for others use my manners, and let people go ahead of me in line), protective (don’t mess with my family or we have a serious problem), passionate (maybe over passionate about certain topics), slightly addictive personality (sugar, caffeine, and I may stay up into the wee hours of the morning finishing a good book or binging a series because I cannot wait to finish it).
I listed emotions that swim around in me often…
Sad, angry, grateful, lonely, scared, brave, heart-broken, overjoyed, empty, full, lost, found, elated, excitement, love.
And found that my qualities and emotions were just pieces that didn’t seem to complete the puzzle of worth.
So who I am in terms of worth seems to still allude me. Because I begin to weigh these traits, labels, and qualities in terms of good and bad. And sometimes it’s a wash, so they equal nothing and sometimes I get negative integers so they equal less than nothing.
I wonder if reconciling what I do and who I am might be the answer. I have said what I do (speaking for souls) is completely separate from who I am. I mean talking to spirits is pretty miraculous and I would think anyone who could do that was pretty amazing. But then I think about who I am and I would rather sit home with a book, or cozy on the couch with my family watching a movie than go out doing anything amazing. So I feel like who I am is the complete and utter opposite of what I do.
And now I am going to sound like a complete jerk because making new friends when I do what I do is so hard! Do they like me because spirits can talk to me or do they like the shy, loves boring, reads books, me. It doesn’t help that every person I am drawn to is a beacon of goodness, confidence and radiates light to everyone around them. When I sit with someone who is funny, has lots of stories to tell, and everyone just naturally likes, my internal judge voice does a number on my self worth the entire time. I literally spiral for days after ultimately deciding I am better off not pursuing the friendship because they would just end up not liking me anyway or losing interest after the dust of the newness wore off. They would find out the only exciting thing about me is that spirit talks to me. So it’s best to just let them get on with their busy lives and say hi when I see them at the super market. Spiral complete. Negative self worth in tact.
And honestly there are some things about me that scare me. Okay, so maybe just one thing. I am wired for justice and right now with all the crazy in the world and people just doing whatever they damn well please and feeling absolutely entitled to do it and completely forgetting their manners, there is a little bit of Beth Dutton in me that just wants to teach everyone lesson. But I logically know we are all doing the best we can; my pet peeve is just mean, rude, entitled actions. And sometimes it makes me want to cause a scene for good. A little vigilante justice. But again, I know that isn’t the best way to handle things; that anger just bubbles up inside me and I rant for five minutes or fifteen in the privacy and protection of my own home. Okay, well I wrote it, so now you all know this about me and it’s a good thing I have decided not to make new friends. Saves us both the embarrassment of this erupting out of me when we start talking about safety at school or narcissists.
Back to self-worth…if you are still reading along with me…so many people ask me what their purpose is. I have no idea, but as I have said before, spirit always answers that our purpose is being the best version of ourselves. Just existing as you are is your purpose.
I have met healers, communicators, intellectuals, explorers, listeners, noticers, motivators, encouragers, cataloguers, nurturers, creators, beautifiers, hope-bringers, truth-tellers, entertainers, all types of different humans who bring those gifts into the world wether it is through their work or just how they show up in the world every single day. And in each one of their unique ways they exhibit their gifts makes an impact in the world. All of it has value. And we all need each other.
Maybe that is what spirit means by being your best self in the world is your purpose. Do what comes naturally and bring that to others, share it. It means something. It makes the world a better place.
So what does this have to do with worth? How do we define our own? I guess I still don’t know. Spirit would tell you and me we are worthy just as we are. Your soul is worthy. Not more than, not less than, simply worthy.
Maybe that is where we get into trouble evaluating ourselves. We place the label “good” or “bad” onto the qualities and labels. When instead we just “are”. Not good. Not bad, We just are.
If every single soul felt worthy as is…
not more than…
not less than…
could humans live in harmony?
How do we get everyone globally to understand this concept? Can it change?
Maybe I have to just start with my own worth.
I am enough…
I am worthy and enough as I am right now and forever.
And maybe you need to hear…
You are enough…
You are worthy and enough as you are right now and forever.
Until next time,