Just a couple of weeks ago I posted lessons for the summer so far, but my mind is a bit filled with jumbles of ideas I have finally decided to write them down all at once. I am writing these things I am thinking about down to keep my own sanity, feel less alone and maybe just maybe these are things you think, too and then we can think them together.
1. I don’t like to freak people out.
Recently I was told that I freak people out. Here is what is important to know; I am incredibly skeptical of my gift. I treat it as a gift and I do not abuse it. The only time I ever communicate with the deceased in reference to other people is during a scheduled reading.
I CANNOT read minds. I DO NOT do readings on the spot. I DO NOT pay attention to spirit during a run of the mill get together. They respect the awkwardness I feel about seeing them and usually keep their distance. This is important to me to keep these things separate. As Peter Parker says, “With great power comes great responsibility.” Don’t think I am getting high and mighty – the point is that I treat the ability to speak with the dead as a gift and there is a responsibility that comes with that. It isn’t a parlor trick for fun; it is something that is possible and needs to be treated with the respect it deserves.
2. There are tons of people who do the same thing as you and there will always be someone better than you.
To this I say – STAY IN YOUR LANE. Comparison seems to be a naturally occurring phenomenon for most humans. It can be a destructive habit. You need to stay in your own lane. I believe life is about achieving your own personal best; not your neighbor’s, mentor’s or even a societal ideal “personal best”. You just need to pay attention to what you want to achieve, stick to that and do the best you possibly can; that is good enough.
3. The Facebook Showcase
Sometimes I get wrapped up in looking at everyone else’s best self and how spectacularly shiny other people seem and I forget that I am usually seeing the best parts of them. People don’t always post a snapshot of when the kids have gone BAT SHIT CRAZY and the HOUSE LOOKS LIKE A TORNADO hit it and the DOG THREW UP and the PHONE IS RINGING and you have a DEADLINE TO MEET and PEOPLE ARE WAITING TO SCHEDULE AN APPOINTMENT with you and you still haven’t got the 10 minutes you need to look at your schedule to answer them – no people don’t post that REAL LIFE stuff. They post the best moments; the smiling shiny moments. We all have them and that is the stuff we want to remember, but really there are moments of all kinds every day and I need to remember that everybody has both kinds of moments.
4. Put your load down
My therapist missed me…not really I just decided to start back up again. Basically because well; I have a breakdown about every 4-6 weeks where everything makes me sad and I feel so OVERWHELMED I think I am going to just explode from the amount of crap I am trying to get accomplished in a day. Which I know is silly, I should not be sad and I should not feel overwhelmed, but then I do and then I feel bad about feeling that way. Any way you get it the same vicious cycle. I know some of you are thinking it is a hormonal thing, but it isn’t – I checked – okay there may be some of that there. Any way, when I was talking with her last week we realized I feel OVERWHELMED, I finally set my load of THINGS – HAVE TOS, SHOULD HAVES, WANT TOS, DIDN’TS – down. But these feelings sort of force me to set them down. Of course, my wise therapist says, “Have you ever thought maybe you should set those down more often?”
Well the clouds parted and light shone down from above and there were birds singing – maybe not, but it felt like that. I had written before about another wise friend who said I needed to remember to put my gas mask on first (you know when you are on a plane and the attendant tells you if you are flying with small children put your mask on first before you help them – that her is analogy to me – I know I have really smart friends). I need to at least once a day put my gas mask on first. For me this is exercise and reading. I need to find ways to fit this into my day first and the rest of the stuff can follow.
I am working on this – I AM A WORK IN PROGRESS and that my friends is a beautiful thing. I don’t ever want to be a polished piece of art; I want to be a messy, bunch of paint thrown against a wall in many different colors on different days so when I get to the end of my life and look back I can see all the wacky pieces and see that in all that chaos and uncertainty there was a beautiful work of art.
5. There is no introvert-ing today.
Yesterday, I put all my stuff down (actually took the day off and left my phone in the glove compartment of my car) and spent the day with friends and our kids at the pool. Can I just say it was like breathing in pure oxygen? The mommy guilt that I had felt melted away in the sunlight. Sitting with those moms who talked about their days, which mirrored my own, was refreshing.
At one point as I was off on my own, one of the moms said, “The mommies are over here, Michelle.” And another said, “There is not introvert-ing today, Michelle.” It was just so nice to be with people who knew me, understood where I was at and lovingly reigned me back in. There are no words to express the gratitude I feel for yesterday, for those friends, for the sunshine, and those precious moments of sharing that reminded me we really are all in this together.
6. What the hell is up with media?
I just have to add this because – really – they are the problem. News reporting has become a complete circus – it is overdone, way too dramatic, and way to slanted. What happened to an impartial recording of events that included both good, bad, and just plain old stories?! Sometimes you can find that still on your local news, but I am at a loss with the news. Years ago I stopped watching it because I couldn’t have it on with kids around. So I would read it, but now even that has become difficult. I am just saying…
7. Junior High
HOLY FREAKING FRUIT LOOPS – my oldest is going to be starting Junior High in under four weeks – WHAT THE WHAT?! That is all. My mind is still reeling with thought and yes, I will be throwing up after I drop him off the first day.
That is mostly it…hopefully you gained something from my jumble and maybe you feel a little less alone. I am hoping now that some of these things sit with me better and make some peace with my own mind.
Until next time,
P.S. Yes, I used a lot of CAPITALS. YES THEY WERE NECESSARY. No that does not mean I am yelling – it means I am saying it with emphasis.