“Getting found almost always means being lost for awhile” – Anne Lamott
Lately there have been so many ideas whirling and twirling in my head it has been difficult to get them down on paper.
I feel like there are all these pieces of me that have been so spread apart I am not sure how to hold them all together.
Starting this new side business is definitely taking its toll.
I think if it were just a side business and not being an interpreter for the dead it might not be so difficult. For one, you sound loony toons just saying that. Secondly, the living expect so much of the dead. Just because they have died doesn’t make them any different from when they were living. Their soul is still their soul. Also sometimes their message is just that they are still around there may be nothing more than that and it may not be as profoundly said as you hope it will be.
The living also expect so much from me. They expect me to be an all-knowing, all-seeing guru that can tell them whatever it is they want to know. I am human after all and I am just the messenger.
Seeing the dead can definitely make others skittish around you. Most people treat me the same, but some people avoid me or worse – question my character and authenticity.
This piece of me definitely carries a thin glossy line of web to all the other pieces of me. Having such an interesting relationship with death has always made me a tad bit different from other people.
I have a fierce love for my family and would much rather be home with them than anywhere else in the whole wide world. And to say that I am an introvert is an understatement. My time spent with other people is mostly spent in observation mode. I always feel like an outsider.
It’s difficult to explain how doing this work makes me feel. Helping other people in this unique way is indescribable. At the same time, as I help each person I feel like I absorb some of their pain and grief. Lately this weight has left me lonely and lost. I have also been sick so that could be part of why the last three weeks have seemed difficult as well.
When I started doing this, I listened to my heart and acted on intuition. I have continued down that road – running after people to give them business cards because a spirit asks me to and opening up to someone and offering a reading because their deceased loved one haunts my thoughts and dreams. This kind of brave is so very far out of my comfort zone.
I think just the load that I am carrying is weighing me down. I am grateful for this load and how I am able to provide for my family and that I have an abundance so that I can help others. Yet still, sometimes I just feel a little lost, a little shattered and less put together than I would like to be.
Being a medium is what I was born to do; I know it – there are just days when my skin doesn’t feel thick enough, my heart doesn’t feel strong enough, and somehow I wind up swimming in grief wishing for a soft place to land where someone will understand what it is like to talk to the dead just for a few minutes. Where someone will know how to help me and guide me…and I will feel just a little less lost.
I guess the best thing to do is take the advice of someone who has been in my shoes…
“If you let people break your spirit and detour you from your path, then you have not been true to yourself or those you’re here to touch, those who believe in you.”
― Allison DuBois
or maybe just from someone I think is a great writer and speaker…
or my daughter’s current favorite person Taylor Swift and just shake it off because the haters gonna hate.
Sincerely,
