Bah Humbug – the True Christmas Letter

My favorite ShirtMany of you will be receiving our politically correct holiday letter either today or after Christmas. Being on time with Christmas cards is so ten years ago. I thought my blog was better suited to share the not so politically correct version of our holiday letter. After all I like keeping it real around here. Merry Christmas to you and yours dear readers.

What’s up beautiful players?

December snuck up on me like a spider monkey. Seriously, what the hell?! Does December just zoom by at light speed on purpose to just make us all feel like we can’t keep up.  This month adds the following to our normal duties: shopping, decorating, class partying, Nutcracker rehearsals, wrapping, holiday celebrations and kids loosing their ever-loving minds because they are so excited to have even more toys to leave all over the house.

I know, I know you all get it. We are all neck-deep in the magical Christmas waters of creating bliss for our families and friends. What ever happened to nice, quiet Christmases? Maybe they never existed in the first place; maybe it has always been like this. We just like to look back at the past with rose colored glasses when in reality they were just surviving the holiday chaos just like we are.

We really don’t know what is good for ourselves around here. We added two pets to our household. We got a tortoise in March. I like the idea of having a pet out live me; it will be my inheritance to the kids. I know, mom of the century award goes to little old me for this sweet gesture! We also got a dog this summer. A collie puppy who surprised me with all her barking even though I watched Lassie as a kid. But instead of trying to save all the neighborhood kids she just barks, “play with me, play with me, play with me” all day to our older dog, Scout. She will be a good dog some day, but is certainly a pain in the ass right now. She wreaks havoc on rugs, toys, tables, chairs, and anything she can get her teeth into. She has left gifts for us on the carpet and thrown up all over our car.  She did give me the gift of letting me know I never, ever want to have a puppy in the house again. Despite my promises to help more with the animals, husband takes care of all of them. God love that man!

It has been a decade since the husband and I became parents. Hard to believe with how young and vibrant we look. Thankfully our kids have let us live again this year. How we manage to survive them some days is a mystery to me. They continually eat us out of house and home, ask for money, clothes, shoes, hats, apps, video games and want to buy everything they see at Target. Getting any of them to clean their room, do their chores or even take a shower feels like World War 3. While we love them dearly, they are still kids and raising young humans is the hardest job on the planet. Mike Rowe could do a show on that but I think it would scare away future parents and then we would have problems populating the world because birth control sales would sky-rocket immediately.

We have had a good year overall. Some highlights include getting suckered into letting our daughter take part in the Nutcracker again, standing in long lines and spending a fortune at Disneyland, holding a birthday party at our house that included 30 kids and a family trip to a friend’s cabin.

Our oldest is one year away from middle school. He is pretty sure at the ripe old age of ten he is an adult. I think we should have him start doing the dishes, laundry and paying some rent like they did to Theo on the Cosby show. Help him remember being a kid is awesome sauce and being a grown up is well filled with responsibility.

Our daughter turned 8 this year. She is almost as tall as me and close to wearing my same shoe size as well. Her attitude continues to grow with her each year and I am sure we are just one more door slam from taking her door off the hinges. When we are both having PMS I am pretty sure we might need to build a bomb shelter for the safety of the men in our house.

The twins have mastered the art of ganging up on us parents. They are quite the little tag team. I am pretty confident that if they team up and put their minds to it they will conquer the world in 2015.

Right on schedule just before Thanksgiving our garage door broke, completely slammed to the ground breaking all the casings. To follow-up that doosey our car took not one but two breakdowns to keep us on track. And just last week our washing machine decided that five years of use was plenty and retired on us. You have to love first world problems.

Husband is in his 11th year at his company. Bless him for surviving the two hours of traffic to and from work each day. His twelve-hour work days have given him more gray hair then the kids did this year. I might have added a few with the new puppy. Sorry sweetheart. As for me well, I am still learning around here. Parenting helps me keep my sense of humor, expect anything, and exercise my patience regularly.

We are so blessed to have four healthy children, two dogs, and a tortoise – and no we are not getting a partridge in a pear tree. We wish you and your families a healthy, prosperous 2015 and I will leave you with my version of the following Irish blessing:

May the road rise to meet you, but not trip you flat on your face,
May the wind be always at your back or if it is in front of you may it blow your hair around like you are in a sexy music video,
May the sun shine warm upon your face and not sunburn the ever-loving heck out of you,
May your coffee be warm and ever flowing, or your vodka whatever does the trick.

Until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand


Bah Humbug and Merry Grinchmas –

Me and my posse of 5

2 thoughts on “Bah Humbug – the True Christmas Letter

  1. I love both Christmas letters..the real and the politically correct! I also love you to pieces and know that you will survive parenthood with love in your heart and strength of character to battle whatever comes your way (ever!)! Admiration doesn’t even come close to telling you how much I feel about how you get through your “living out loud” life…you know it is all worth it in the end…

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