A couple of weeks ago my friends asked me to go on a girls’ weekend. Most normal people would be excited and look forward to an event like this. Most normal people would not be panicking about it.
Yes, I am scared. I am scared on several fronts. First, leaving four children home with my husband and their practice schedules and what not makes me nervous – not because he can’t handle it, but because of what I might miss and have to make up for when I return. I am sure they will all be fine. Just a little nervous being gone from them all for 2 days.
On the second front, I am scared of spending time with six other women. They are all my friends and all people I really like and admire, but I do not do well in groups. First off, stupid things come out of my mouth. Secondly, I over-analyze said things until I decide that I should have never opened my mouth in the first place and vow to just stay quiet from there on out. Mainly though I am pretty boring. Small talk is not my forte. Deep meaningful conversations about anything, I can do that – what Beyoncé wore to the music awards, who is dating who, and what brand is the best or what the most attractive type of jean is and I am treading water with sharks. I have no clue how to take part in those conversations.
So I made the mistake of telling my husband I was nervous. He asked if I didn’t think he could handle watching the kids. I reassured him that wasn’t it. I told him it was more about going in general. He said to focus on how much fun I would have. I told him that I have a hard time having fun. I told him that I am not good in groups. Which was a general way of saying I say stupid things, over-analyze and stink at small talk. He said if I can’t go hang out with my friends I should lock myself in a box and go live in it.
I didn’t respond, because doesn’t he know that is what I am already doing? Doesn’t he know that is what I have done for years? Doesn’t he know that I am just starting to slowly venture out of that box and it is scary to come out of that box back into the world again? Doesn’t he know this about me? Don’t I know this about myself?
Hearing those words reminded me that I have to go and give other people the chance to like me. I have to be open and do things with other people to continue to grow friendships and not feel so alone. Hiding isn’t doing anyone any good and most likely I am not the only one who feels this way. This is something I need to do because I don’t want to disappear, I really want to be found.
I promise to report about the trip when I get back and I will do my best to have a good time and not over-analyze.
Here’s to venturing out of the box just a little bit,