Today I am thinking lots of things and my blog post might be a big, jumbly mess. But I won’t apologize…if you didn’t want to read it you wouldn’t. (I am trying to stop apologizing so darn much).
Today started with me waking later than usual which meant no run, which meant the nagging about my weight and laziness and no excuses was already buzzing through my brain rapid fire. As I stood in the shower I took deep breaths and did a lot of repeating, “I am enough.”
And, “Right now I am enough.”
And, “God loves me right this minute and that means I am worthy.”
Yes, I am still taking lexapro – this self-doubt happens any way.
Of course from the shower it was straight into mommy world as many of you know…getting breakfast, and kids dressed, and then straight to work. But at 12, I walked away from the screen and made us all lunch and ate it outside in the dazzling sunshine.
I am trying to slow things down and get my joy back. I am not a good routine person and life is very routine these days. So I am trying to remember what takes the stress away. What I like to do and where the joy is. I know that some of you are thinking, “you have to find the joy in the moment.” I agree. However, I also think you need to make room for the joy you want and to make those moments happen.
Anyway, writing used to be a joy for me. Yes, I wrote used to, you read that correctly.
I am sure you noticed I am not writing as often as I was before. I brought this up with my therapist and she asked some questions that led to me thinking about myself of course. That is how the therapy thing works – the therapist asks you a lot of questions to get you doing a lot of thinking. Luckily my therapist also does a good deal of telling out right.
Again, I digress, I told you it would be a jumbly mess…So during our conversation she asked me what I was avoiding? Was I avoiding accepting my accomplishments? Was I avoiding the audience? Was I avoiding myself?
I guess I was avoiding all of that a little. Avoiding myself a bit and what has blossomed out of this blog. This blog, while it still has a relatively small viewership, and I am I am grateful for each and every reader…has created some miraculous things. I started it because I had a dream of being a writer one day, and to also smash the perception others had of me, as well as have a bit of documentation on my journey to be more like the kind of human I want my children to become.
I never expected people to really read it…I started sharing it of course because I wanted people to see the real me…the me underneath the quiet. And when I started writing I had no intention of sharing as much as I have. But when I did start writing it all just started tumbling out and it felt like the right thing to do. To be open and vulnerable and courageous about just being me seemed like the right thing to do.
Recently as more and more people started to talk to me as intimate friends, and don’t get me wrong it is a really cool thing; it also made the shy me; the quiet me want to hide again. Run for the hills and let someone else do the writing and sharing, someone who was good at it and okay with the attention. I just wanted to blend back in with the scenery for a while.
I don’t wear make-up or dress fancy or even fashionable for the most part because I just want to blend in and not be noticed. Drawing attention is not my cup of tea.
This blog had started something else though; I have shared that I am a medium. I have begun doing readings and that drew more attention. Attention I thought I was ready to handle, but I guess I wasn’t. I get asked some pretty hard questions and I don’t have all the answers. Even though this has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember (and that is since I was 2 years old). I don’t understand all the ins and outs. I am still learning. Plus, I am as skeptical as the next person. I am constantly looking for proof as I do my readings. Proof that I am not a loony toon and that the communication that I am able to aid is nothing short of miraculous. Each time I have been surprised at what happens and added that proof to my arsenal, yet I still remain skeptical.
I guess I have come to the conclusion that hiding isn’t really the answer. I have to continue to be open, honest, and share my gift because that is who I want to be. A short escape is definitely necessary, keeping some things to myself is probably a good idea, and one of these days the pieces will all fall into place and I won’t even feel the need to hide any more. Okay, that might be stretching it a bit, but I have always believed you should shoot for the stars and if you land on the moon you did pretty darn good.