“I have to admit, I found you rather intimidating when I first met you. You just seemed like you had it all together: career, four great kids, good marriage.” My friend of two years relays to me over coffee.
That image, the one people see of me is so far from what resides deep under my skin.
To the outside world looking in, my life looks pretty darn good; and it is; I have a lot of greatness in my life.
Four hilarious, smart, healthy kiddos.
Faithful and supportive friends and family.
All those things are beyond wonderful and I appreciate each ounce of that in my life (most of the time – sometimes you will find me hiding in my closet); I know that in an instant that can all change. None the less, I still cringe when I hear people describe me as “having it all together.” That just isn’t humanly possible, which is a good thing because in all the in-between that is where the beauty lies.
I want people to see the whole beautifully imperfect me. The one that has dishes in her sink and on her counter, piles of laundry to both clean and fold. Toys strewn everywhere, while I struggle to fold a fitted sheet and then decide to just put it away in the mangled mess that I made of it. Walls full of kid art and an over abundance of family photos.The mom whose kids forget their manners and have to be HOUNDED to clean their room. Kids who bicker with each other day in and out. A family that some weeks eats out more than we eat in. A mother of sweet babies who forgets to remind them to brush their teeth on occasion because holy goodness bedtime is exhausting.
But more than that, I want people to know that I fight daily with a LOUD, colossal, ill-tempered, relentless bully named DEPRESSION. I struggle with body image and weight gain to the point where I have difficulty looking in the mirror. Which unfortunately won’t get any easier because 18 months ago I had lost 22 pounds and yesterday I got on the scale. It is all back. EVERY SINGLE POUND. That made today an extremely hard day; because despite the fact that I have already run over 100 miles this year my stress eating has gotten the better of me once again. I am going to lose the weight again, I can fight this fight and win. I can. But today I am wallowing a bit, but that is the person that I want people to see. The one that wallows even when other people suffer from so much more. I am only human.
Bottom line, my life is absolutely beautiful while at the exact same time a whirling, jumbley mess. I choose to wear my imperfections on my sleeve because we need to show each other our true selves. Once we can all do that, the jig is up baby and we can all just be our happy, messy, beautiful selves for all to see.
Living out loud in a messy beautiful way,
Thanks to Glennon at Momastery for introducing us to one another through the Messy, Beautiful Warrior Project — To learn more and join us, CLICK HERE! And to learn about the New York Times Bestselling Memoir Carry On Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life, just released in paperback, CLICK HERE!