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happiness So I know it is halfway through February and I don’t have my monthly lessons for January posted and I figured I should just post this now because I am not sure I am going to have lessons up by the end of February either.

It’s a long convoluted story, I hope you don’t mind the ramble, but I think it best to start at the beginning.

Number 1 –  I have slipped off the running wagon. I was doing great through October. November still okay, December crappy, January barely and now in February I am starting to get back on the wagon, but probably with only one foot.

Number 2 – Work is crazy busy and I am thankful to have a job and glad that it is busy, but most days I feel like I am hanging on just trying to keep up with what’s coming in.

Number 3 – I have two, two-year olds that are now fighting naps, telling me no all day, and wrestling one another like they are future MMA stars.

Number 4 – Both my older kids had stuff going on the past two months that while thank goodness not life threatening or altering the news of both was like getting the wind knocked out of me.

Number 5 – I feel like I am still trying to absorb and process two things. First is the Sandy Hook tragedy that changed so many lives and I believe needs to change our whole country and second, the mom who wrote the letter to CNN about atheism.

I want to take a second to touch on number 5 in a bit more detail. The tragedy at Sandy Hook I may have to come back to, I am still looking out into an abyss on that one because there is no one answer to help prevent that from happening again, but there are several things that we could start to do that would help. And to be honest I don’t want to discuss it here because I am trying not to make this a politicky blog. Most important thing is this horrible event should be an eye opener and one that our country cannot forget. I also think we should remember names like Victoria Soto and not ever, ever forget them. I know we cannot remember all the names, but pick one sweet name and carry it with you.

Now on to number 5 part 2. This past weekend Rebecca, thank goodness for Rebecca – she texted me last-minute to ask me to join her to meet some of her girlfriends for dinner and even though I was scared to death because I don’t have anything interesting to say and rejection is not my strong suit as you all know – I went anyway because that is what friends do and I really want to make friends here. It was so nice to sit with these wonderful women, and I didn’t say much at all, but instead I soaked up their stories and struggles and just breathed it in like fresh air. It was wonderful to hear that normal life is messy, loud, and hard. Being with them made me feel comfortable in my chaos. Anyway, one of the women brought up that she was taking an ethics class and that the class had basically agreed, minus her, that it was a lie to tell your children about Santa Claus. This led me to thinking about the letter mentioned above. At first, this topic was something I wanted to leave alone and not draw any more attention to, but it has really got me a bit distressed. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and that is what makes the world interesting. So as I was thinking this and being distressed it occurred to me that I can express my opinion – that is fair. So here it goes…

I believe in magic, I believe in fairytales, I believe in Santa Claus, I believe in God. These four things hold me together like glue. This beautiful optimism that I call hope, pushes me forward like a steam engine. While I am hanging on this thread of survival, hope is what pushes me through it. If I didn’t have my belief in magic, fairy tales, Santa Claus and God I wouldn’t be here today and that is a fact, Jack (yes I am obsessed with Duck Dynasty and felt that needed a little Sy Robertson).

When I was 17 I tried to kill myself, not very many people know this, but I lost hope. I gave up – I didn’t believe in fairy tales, or magic or Santa Claus or God. I thought life was life that then it was over, black and gone. At 18 to be honest my inner voice got the very best of me, she had me believing that everything I touched turned to poison and that this world would be far better off without me and I gave in. I will yadda, yadda the details they aren’t important, but I went to bed thinking I would never wake up. The next morning my room was bathed in a light brighter than sunlight and it was warm like a hug, but the voice I felt was one of an angry parent and I heard in my heart that I was meant for more things and that this was not my life to end. I know I felt God that morning, call me crazy, delusional, insane, off my rocker or whatever you want, but I felt him that morning and from that moment forward I knew that this life is not mine, it is a gift and I must treat it that way. I am here for reasons that I may not understand, but I must live this life to the best of my ability so that whatever it is that is supposed to be accomplished because of it can happen. Without my belief in God, I know I would have succumb to that inner voice again, I would have lost this battle with her. If I hadn’t known somewhere deep inside my soul or someone hadn’t taught me that it was possible that God could exist I would have missed that feeling or even dismissed that feeling that morning and I am grateful to the depths of my being that I was taught to believe in things I can’t see.

I know for a fact, that my family would not exist today if I didn’t believe in fairytales. I knew that I would one day have the life I dreamed of, every inch of it. Sure enough life events occurred where I had to rely on my faith, intuition, and my heart and I was led to my wonderful husband and we have created a family that surpassed my dreams. Thank goodness, I heard Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, and watched the Little Mermaid a thousand times while I was little. I learned not to settle, that I could really have all I ever dreamed of if I was patient, worked hard and listened to my gut. I also had the sense to know that love is hard work, and that most likely I wouldn’t live in a real castle with glass slippers, but seriously my house and shoes are fairytale enough because there are people who are missing those two things in life. Right up on my wall it states, “Once in an ordinary life, love gives you a fairytale.” Fairytales helped me create my family.

Magic and Santa Claus go hand in hand for me, these two things encircled my childhood with so many happy memories. I grew up thinking I could be a good witch and learn to cast spells and pretended to do so on many an occasion. Santa Claus brought the magic of Christmas, giving, receiving, alive for me. Life is hard, being a kid now is harder than it was 20 years ago, I can’t see depriving my children of these things because it is not ethical or logical behavior. I am so thankful to my mom and dad for giving me these things, I believe in magic and that allows me to believe anything is possible and that makes me a solution person, not a problem person. I believe in Santa Claus and that warms my heart because I get to play in an imaginary world with my children and create a tangible goodness for them. I get to let them learn how to create and build that hope and when the time comes for them to learn that Santa Claus is real – he is just their dad and me – that isn’t going to make them distrust me or think I wronged them in some way. It’s going to help them understand that I wanted to give them something special and make them a part of something special. (By the way this letter to your child when the time comes to let them in on the secret is awesome). By giving them these things, I believe I am teaching them about hope and to believe in things that you can’t see despite what logic tells you. And who knows it just might save their life one day like it did mine. Who knows it may help them find happiness beyond their dreams or even help them bring a little magic and happiness into their lives even when it seems mundane and dreary.

So needless to say, these days I feel like I am just surviving my days and nothing is really soaking in enough or there isn’t enough down time for my mind to process what I am supposed to be grasping from these moments. So I can’t really say what January or February has taught me, but I can say that I believe in Magic, fairytales, Santa Claus and God and I let my children know that. I also use these beliefs to push me to find hope that I will one day have a better grasp on my chaos so that I can have workouts, career and home success all at once. I know that this life is meant to be happening the way it is to teach me something or bring something out in me that will help others, so I am living this life hoping that I am doing the best that I can with this gift, with all the gifts that I have been given.

Thank you for joining me in my long convoluted ramble and letting me share my opinion with you.

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